I was distraught for having missed the initial airing of The Negro Channel’s SDN report “R. Kelly Speaks.” I thank R&B Jesus for The Ghetto’s Finest News Source and their incomparable HOODtube.
Needless to say, Kells traps us in the closet with a jeepful of fuckery and buffoonery to work with.
“R. Kelly Speaks?” I’d be far more interested in “R. Kelly Reads,” but this will have to do.
Speaking of which, Kells should stop referring to his writing ability until he actually learns to write. Maybe he should say “Dictaphone skills,” or tell illicit tales of having his flunkies write down what he says.
R. Kelly: Aaliyah… Get your little cockeyed ass over here and write this down for daddy!
Aaliyah: *whimpers* *bursts into sobbing*
R. Kelly: Awww, quit cryin’. You know I love you, babygirl! Why we gotta go back, back, forth and forth like this? *pauses* *scratches head* Oh, shit! Write that down too, you cockeyed jailbait slut. Damn. I’m sorry again, baby.
Of course, Kells conducts his exclusive post-trial interview on the most offender-friendly network that cable television has to offer. This is the same network that allows hosts and VJs to wear FREE [INSERT RAPSTER MONIKER HERE] t-shirts and suggest early release from prison regardless of crime because “that new single fire.”
Clearly Nigga Nation has given R. Kelly its unconditional support throughout his seven-year “tribulation” “cuz he goooood” as well.
Damn. To think it’s been seven whole years since you and your homeboys drank 40-ouncers of Olde English to a video of R. Kelly taking a young adolescent to “Sex Planet” and back. By the time the actual trial started, Sparkle, jr. done already graduated from college had 4 kids and shit. It’s kinda difficult to ingest the full sensationalism of what Kells is accused of when the alleged victim takes the stand with a grandson in her lap.
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