Fuck it. Kanye Week ends early. It’s Thanksgiving and shit.
“We are looking to find exceptional stand out
beautiful dark skin/brown skin women to showcase all races of beauty on
the show.” -Yung Berg’s management, Bossip.com
If you’re as confused as I would be, check the Bossip aritcle on Yung Berg’s new reality show proposal. Think “Flavor of Love” except starring a partially-drowned pit bull instead of a gnawed California Raisin.
Let’s thank the ghetto’s finest news source (WSHH) once again for compiling this digital treat.
Kanye Week continues with in-depth analysis of Mr.
West’s every whimper as he makes his media rounds promoting the
bitch-and-whinefest he calls a new album. The transcendent Yeezy Bear’s
latest appearance on NBC’s Late Night with Conan O’Brien explores fashion, pop-a-rot-zees and the wonders of Auto-Tune.
N2U's Don Lee helps bring Strom Thurmond's dream for the Negro closer to fruition by penning an ode to the black man's kryptonite for our friends at McDonald's.
I know what you're thinking. "Who the hell is 'N2U?'"
We’re on a strict diet of Coldplay and dick sandwiches ’round hurr.
“I don’t even listen to rap. My apartment is too
nice to listen to rap in. I have to be in a way more grimy environment
to turn any rap music on.” -Kanye West, interview with DJ Semtex
Word, nigga? So the rap music that made you “everything you are” ain’t good enough to be played in your apartment? I love it!
I haven’t seen self-hatred like this since Michael Jackson threw his face in Mama Katherine’s flour bowl before she could fry up the chicken.
“It’s our responsibility as musicians to keep pushing each other… We will be the new Beatles,
the new [Jimi] Hendrix. They say in every other industry, you’re
supposed to do better than the past. Like, computers should get smaller
and faster. But whenever you say, ‘I want to be Elvis [Presley],’ they say, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ But I want to be Elvis.” -Kanye West, American Music Awards
Here I am thinking niggas was trying to be taller, better, faster, stronger–like in the NBA.
As y’all already know, I’m from the Chuck D school of Elvis praise and the Silky Johnson school of Kanye bashing. From both vantage points, I can’t believe what I’m reading.
As I alluded to on XXL, "Karaoke" is my favorite video right now. Strangely enough, it's only knocking off the last couple of T-Pain
videos. For a man I openly refer to as a minstrelish caricature of a
musician, I admittedly can't seem to take my eyes or ears off of his
work.
“I gave T-Pain one point on my [upcoming] album for using the Auto-Tune.” -Diddy, Total Finale Live
…and the ringmaster confirms.
“Diddy actually gave me royalties on this album just
for using Auto-Tune. He signed the contract and everything. If I can do
that with Diddy, somebody else better be signing something. It’s Diddy.
He didn’t have to involve me at all… I’m writing and producing on his
album, and he gave me extra royalties on top of that for using
something I just brought back.” -T-Pain, XXLMag.com
Let me get this straight… The Lox had to pay market
value, dance in shiny suits they could no longer fit and go get liters
of Cambodian breast milk from Fordham Road for their royalties. Yet,
today Puffy is handing T-Pain points on a package he hasn’t earned?
If that ain’t bout some fuck nigga shit, I don’t know what is.
You can tell 50 Cent has been making movies during the better part of these past two years. The clip for “Get Up,”
Fitty’s latest desperate plea for your attention, contains all the
worst parts of your favorite cheesy action movies in one inexplicable
4-minute package.
If you’re a fan of aggressively being told what to do in a post-apocalyptic setting, this might be your favorite video.
“This n- [Kanye ] was like, ‘Wow. [Jay-Z] ain’t going to give me the chain,’” [Damon] Dash alleges in December’s Complex magazine.
“I had to take off my chain and give it to him, and I was heated. I had
the real canary diamonds. That s- cost $40,000! I told Kanye, ‘Yo, you
got to give that back when we get off this stage!’”
Dash contends that after Jay-Z violated the code of hip-hop chivalry, “Kanye hated Jay-Z.”
But a rep for Kanye tells us the story is “ridiculous and totally false.” -New York Daily News
Damn, Dash. It must be pretty cold and lonely on the way down. At least he’s got a Dirt Angel to keep warm with.
If Plies is the future of Hip-Hop, we may as well
fix H.E.R. a delicious bowl of Cyanide Mini-Wheats. I’m pretty sure
that Ya Woy Ply has an SDN disorder of the terminal variety.
Producer-ternt-Autotune offender Ron Browz enlists the help of fellow Harlemites Jim Jones and Juelz Santana to "Pop Champagne" and get the lite feet going.
...and he'll voice your shit too whether you agree or not.
"I realize that my place and position in history is
that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I
will be the loudest voice... It's me settling into that position of
just really accepting that it's one thing to say you want to do it and
it's another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan." -Kanye West, The Associated Press
Our favorite Rap Napoleon won't be considered the voice of shit
until he turns off that damn Auto-Tune. Can you believe the nerve on
this twisted little nigga? I haven't heard Kanye's voice since before
the "Lollipop" remix. As far as I can tell, he sounds like T-Pain and draws divine Jeezian inspiration for his lyrics.
“Every time I write a chorus or any type of hook, I say like, ‘What would [Young] Jeezy
do?’ You know how niggas be like, ‘What would Jesus do?’ Our shit is
like, ‘What would Jeezy do? What would Jeezy say on this record?” At
the end of the day, I make my shit straight white T-shirt-ready.” -Kanye West, Def Jam Conference Call
Word, Kanye? What would Jeezy do? I can see the wristbands now.
Having recently climbed to #4 on the NAACP’s 10 Most Wanted List, Soulja Boy Tell’em looks to shuffle, jig, whine and incoherently mumble his way back to the top of the Billboard charts with happy slave anthems “Turn My Swag On” and “Bird Walk.”
What can I say about Soulja Boy that hasn’t already been said about Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima?
Please do not empty several banana clips into my mama’nem house. I’s
sho sorry for being a comedy blogger—and for being the only nigga to
mention you during your album promo push. I can assure it won’t ever
happen again. Obviously this past Halloween was a really slow news day. I didn’t realize my jokes contributed to your album being pushed back, thus fucking up your money somehow.
As per our arrangement, I’ll be doing everything in my power to
account for all funds lost by end of business today. I was going to
spend that money on some dance lessons and a keyboard big enough to
actually hide behind, but your otherworldly powers of persuasion have
convinced me that this way is better for all parties involved.
Damn, Miss Lindsay? We’s “colored” again? That thurr’s a throwback like a hmmmmotherfucker. I best mind my choice of drinking fountain and diner. Too bad. I really had my heart set on turning one of them “whites only pies” into a “nigger pie.”
Shortly after checking the mailbox for my Obama prize Thursday afternoon (and realizing it’s probably just coming on CPT), I came across the following music video/proponent of California’s hotly-contested Proposition 8.
[Blogger's Note: Seriously though. He married the creature from Predator, who I am sure is both a dude and"one ahhhg-lee maaaatherfaaaaahker."]
Before discovering the clip at the center of today’s rant, I’d long
since pondered how, if at all, our beloved hip-hop affected the Prop 8
outcome. Pundits from every walk of media wasted no time in noting that
70% of black voters–let’s say 95% of which voted for Barack Obama, a
proponent of gay rights en masse–voted “Yes” on Prop 8. According to
the same media outlets, including this one, the terms “hip-hop,”
“urban,” and “niggerdom” are synonymous.
I don’t read Gyant’s blog or anything, so I’m not sure what exactly incitedSoulja Boy Tellem’s ire.
However, I could imagine taking time from a busy day of rich nigga shit
to engage a blogger that sucks and needs to be fired—as SB says—is not
conducive to turning swag on.
Congratulations on the victory, Mr. Obama. Welcome to Ronnie’s World.
“‘There really only needs to be one star in Grant
Park, and that’s Barack,’ an Obama insider told Zwecker. ‘There will be
plenty of time for a new President Obama to be surrounded by famous
fans, all hopeful about a new administration.’” –Barack Obama’s People (Ha), Chicago Sun-Times via XXLMag.com
As has been the case throughout Barack Obama’s campaign, the rapster collective remained persona non grata as Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter and Sean “Diddy” Combs headlined a lengthy list of blacklisted entertainers for last night’s Source Awards—I mean, World Negro Victory Party.
Shit like this is why our kids need less supersoaking and more
studying. Don’t be ashamed to put little Javon in the slow class if he
needs it neither.
Mixtape/album. A project that blurs the line between the two entities. There are both positive and negative examples of these. Most negative examples are packaged and sold by Amalbum Digital, baby!
Whoonery (n.) -
White coonery.
Negromantic (adj.) -
Stereotypically negrous love story. Romantic scenario manufactured for black entertainment. [See: Negromatic Comedy (genre)]
Urban (n.) -
Negrous in nature. Of or pertaining to Negro culture. Used in popular media to describe black shit without saying "black shit."
Mulletor (n.) -
1. One who wears a mullet. 2. One of hillbilly descent. (pron.: "Skeletor")
Bermuda Triangle-esque region on back where hands are unable to reach for lotion application (variable).
Cropdusting (v.) -
Blunt augmentation via foreign substances, usually of the opiate orientation. (See: MTW)
Coonery (n.) -
Coon-like behavior. Anything associated with the Flavor of Love franchise. Farnsworth Bentley's day job.
SDN (n.) -
Smart Dumb Nigga. (See: Katt Williams, The Pimp Chronicles Vol. 1; Ghostface, The World According to Pretty Toney) (abbr.)
MTW (n., adj.) -
More Than Weed. Laced greenery (i.e.: Woolahs). (PSA: Don't hit the blunt if you don't know/trust whoever rolled it, children.)
Whitney Diet (n.) -
Cocaine in a can, baby!
Touchdown (n.) -
A nigga that ain't all the way retarded, but just got a touch of Down's [Syndrome]. (i.e. Chris Brown)
The Negro Channel (n.) -
Black Embarrassment Television (see: BET). Abbreviated as "TNC."
Snapper (n.) -
One who performs snap music. A Franchize Boy. A Soulja Boy.
NPS (n.) -
Niggas Per Sentence average. Amount of times the "n"-word is used in a single sentence.
ManBearPig (n.) -
A dangerous mythical beast spawned from the imagination of Al Gore. A nickname for Tiffany "New York" Pollard's mother, Sister Patterson.
CB4 (n.) -
Cock Block [Level] 4. A nickname for Tiffany "New York" Pollard.
Cank Stoochie (n.) -
Nether-regions in dire need of hygienic attention. Nappy minor-league dugout. (see: Flavor of Love)
Blented (adj.) -
Blunted + Bent. Twisted. Slizzard.
Blent (n.) -
Black Lent. Ron Mexico's unofficial 40-day period of reflection and lament spanning from Dr. Martin Luther King, jr. Day through the end of short-ass Black History Month.
BDP (n.) -
Black Diabetes Pandemic. Kool-Aid induced-suffering. The reason Big Mama lost her leg. The new Black Plague.
Niggaball (n.) -
A sport likening basketball, but covered in Lawry's Seasoned Salt. AND 1 Mixtape Tour. Basketball-esque performance sorely lacking in fundamental skills. (see: Philip "Hot Sauce" Champion)
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