Dear Mr. Trick… Trick,
Please do not empty several banana clips into my mama’nem house. I’s sho sorry for being a comedy blogger—and for being the only nigga to mention you during your album promo push. I can assure it won’t ever happen again. Obviously this past Halloween was a really slow news day. I didn’t realize my jokes contributed to your album being pushed back, thus fucking up your money somehow.
As per our arrangement, I’ll be doing everything in my power to account for all funds lost by end of business today. I was going to spend that money on some dance lessons and a keyboard big enough to actually hide behind, but your otherworldly powers of persuasion have convinced me that this way is better for all parties involved.
Perhaps one of these days we can blow a Swisher Sweet–no homo, of course–and laugh about all of this as a third party explains the concept of satire to you and your goons—er, um, associates. After which we can catch a [wheelchair?] basketball game or explore one of our many common interests.
I support you in your quest to not be looked upon as a “villain.” That’s a really unfair depiction of you generated by a mostly homosexual-run hip-hop media that presently values perceived gulliness more than actual talent. I’m sure your forthcoming album, The Villain, will show people more of your philanthropic nature. While “negative” publicity is sometimes the best publicity, I can understand why someone such as yourself wouldn’t want to benefit from it. If my split, throbbing head and nekkidness at your hands–again, no homo–can help in any way, they’ll be at your immediate service.
Barack Obama just got elected. Us brothers gots to stick together now more than ever. We all we got. There is hope for the world. The world is changing. We all want better for each other.
I didn’t mean to make you lose any sleep, nor did I want to be on your mind when you did that interview on that one DJ website. I promise. This has all been a grave misunderstanding and clearly we done got off on the wrong foot.
In addition to that large duffel bag of totally heterosexual, unmarked friendship money I agreed to give you, I wrote this song in hopes that I can get back into your best graces for good and enjoy your totally kickass music in peace again. Let me know if you dig it!
It’s so coooooooold in the D.
“How the fuck do we ‘pose ta keep peace?”/
Is all on a nigga’s mind.
Bloggin all the time./
Tricky. He was like a brother to me./
Cuz Eminem is his brother
And he was on the SOHH.com bloggin wit me and shit./
We wasn’t in the same place gettin lifted and shit./
But it was cool to be on the same staff and shit.
Niggas linkin and shit./
Made me get to thinkin and shit.
How we was gonna go to Greektown and be drinkin and shit./
Even though everybody know you ain’t really extortin no Eminem and that you’re best friends and y’all saved Yung Berg life and I have a blog for jokes and jokes only and didn’t write the original piece you talkin' bout or betray your rapster trust—
It’s so cooooooold in the D.
There is definitely room on the remix if you like it and want in. Despite the jokes, I’m really a cool-ass nigga who looks out for his peoples. We’re totally peoples now.
If after all of this we still can’t resolve this whole “wanting a chance to fuck me the fuck up naked” thing without getting the XXL offices shot up or something, then let’s be proactive about it.
We can pick a neutral location for a charity wheelchair boxing event. I’ll leave my Beretta at home. We can throw on some of them big, cushy gloves and go a few rounds for stem cell research or something.
This has all been a really cool experience! Good luck with the new release date. My keyboard and I are sooooo done with Trick Trick jokes. Let me know if there’s anyone else you’d like me to refrain from writing about or any other bloggers that I can pass your best wishes to this coming holiday season.
Easy, Trick Daddy.
Your favorite blogger,
Ronaldo Horacio Mexico
451 W 151st St
New York, NY 10031
P.S.: If for any reason Jackpot and Flash are late with the friendship money, I only ask that you tell my readers that it’s been an honor and a privilege to write for them and to remember that the ephemeral journey we call life is to be treasured at all times.
Oh, and tell my mama’nem that I was the one who started all of this villainous nonsense. She'll understand what that means.