Ron Mexico City

Flavor of Stooch Media Day

*a la Flavor Flav* Wowwwwwww, TMZ. We're using the term "star" looser than sleeve of wizard these days, aren't we?

If being the first skank to have an STD test live on Flavor of Love makes you a star, then sure. Nicole "Hotlanta" Essigmann is Elizabeth fucking Taylor. And, sheeeeeeit, "child cruelty" was making those kids of hers watch mommy tongue down Mr. Hanky on Sunday night and sending them to school the next day.

I know daddy shopping can be hard, but... Damn, homie.

XXLMag.com | 2009 DDN Tournament: And The Winner Is...

After weeks of heated battle and catastrophic warfare, our field of 64 Dumb Dumb Niggas [as opposed to Smart Dumb Niggas] has narrowed to one unequivocally dumb nigga we can all look down on.

DDN Tournament - DNCAA Championship Game!

(Click here for XXL analysis & updated bracket)

Online Surveys & Market Research

DDN Tournament - Round 1, West Region Voting

(Click here for XXL analysis & full bracket)

Voting for this region closes Sunday morning at midnight!!!

Midwest region voting closed last night. Check results here.

Online Surveys & Market Research

XXLMag.com | Soulja Boy Claims Nas Actually Killed Hip-Hop

Okay. So it's Nas AND the President's fault Soulja Boy's going triple plastic this time around?

“See how George Bush fucked up America? Same way what Nas did with Hip-Hop.” –Soulja Boy Tellem, S.O.D. Money Gang Roundtable Vlog, Pt. 1 via WSHH

The quote above is just one of several bass ackward, ass-ignorant assertions made by hip-hop’s “Kang of the Internet.”

[Blogger’s Note: Sorry, Puffy.]

XXLMag.com | Yung Berg in "Flavor of Redemption"

Fuck it. Kanye Week ends early. It’s Thanksgiving and shit.

“We are looking to find exceptional stand out beautiful dark skin/brown skin women to showcase all races of beauty on the show.” -Yung Berg’s management, Bossip.com

“She’s pretty for a dark skin shorty.” - Yung Berg, Bossip.com

If you’re as confused as I would be, check the Bossip aritcle on Yung Berg’s new reality show proposal. Think “Flavor of Love” except starring a partially-drowned pit bull instead of a gnawed California Raisin.

XXLMag.com | Soulja Boy Loves Massa

Shit like this is why our kids need less supersoaking and more studying. Don’t be ashamed to put little Javon in the slow class if he needs it neither.

“’Shout out to the slave masters,’ SB told Toure. ‘Without them we’d still be in Africa. We wouldn’t be here to get this ice and tattoos.’” -Soulja Boy Tellem, The Daily Beast via XXLMag.com

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: SDN Tournament - And The Winner Is...

Not Hov.

Ron Mexico: Welcome to the final installment of ESDN First Hate for this 2008 SDN Tournament. Jemelle, Dana, Stuart, Skip, Scoop, Skap, Scallywhop, Jackpot, Billy X. Sunday and the rest of the ESDN staff want to thank you all for your attentiveness and participation.

Before we announce the winner of the final matchup between Division A’s #8 seed, Diddy and Division B’s #14 R. Kelly, I’d like to take this time to request a round of applause for all 32 of this year’s contestants.

All: *emphatic booing*

SDN Tournament Championship

...and then there were two.

Diddy and R. Kelly duke it out for the SDN crown! Check the original XXLMag.com entry for bracketology, analysis and a Big Green bonus.

(VOTE ADENTRO)

SDN Tournament - The Foolish Four

We're down to the last four players!

Online Surveys & Market Research

Check the original XXLMag.com entry for bracketology and analysis!

TheUrbanDaily.com | T-Pain feat. Lil' Wayne - "Can't Believe It" video

Okay... Let's try this again! Ahem--

I'm not surprised in the slightest by what I'm seeing here. As soon as I heard "Can't Believe It," the lead single from T-Pain's forthcoming Thr33 Rings LP, I knew the associated video clip would be the most horrific of fried chicken and blunt nightmares.

No good will come of the unholy union that is “T-Wayne.” I can assure you.

SDN Tournament, The Elite Hate - Results

The round of eight is complete!

Oh... You want the stats, don' you?

SDN Tournament, The Elite Hate - Voting

We're almost there... and as of now my Final Four is still intact.

Online Surveys & Market Research

Only 8 SDNs remain. Let's get it! Check the original XXLMag.com post for complete breakdown and ESDN analysis.

Call me Ron Van Pelt... except I don't quote nearly as much rap.

SDN Tournament, The Senseless 16 Results

Here are your Senseless 16 results.

#8 Diddy (68.1%) def. #1 Kanye West (31.9%)

Poppa Diddy Pop is picking up some serious steam. I did not expect homie to handle Kanye like that.

SDN Tournament, The Senseless 16 - Division B Voting

Division B voting is now open in the round of 16.

Online Surveys & Market Research

Please refer to the original XXLMag.com entry regarding today's festivities. Please acquire your complete SDN bracket here if yeen't already got one.

SDN Tournament, The Senseless 16 - Division A Voting

...and the second round is officially under way!

Online Surveys & Market Research

Look back and watch me trackback... all on the floor...

SDN Tournament, The Senseless 16

Here's your updated bracket.

Check the original XXLMag.com entry for analysis and bracketology.

SDN Tournament Round 1 - Division B Results

Most of these Division B matchups were landslides! I mean like... Smart Dumb Holocaust material.

Example:

#7 Flavor Flav (72.5%) def. #10 Russell Simmons (27.5%)

More results inside

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: SDN Tournament Bracketology

Welcome one and all to the First Annual Negro Please SDN Tournament!

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: K-Ci [& JoJo], WE KNOW U R DER CRAKKEN!!!

By now you’ve all seen the JoJo Hailey kangaroo collapse video. Despite popular request, I wasn’t going to discuss something as asinine as a fiend falling out on stage. I mean–I stopped covering Flavor of Love for a reason. As entertaining as it may be, JoJo’s “epilepsy” in and of itself is not “Negro Please” material.

[::CLICK HERE for some convoluted R&B (Rocks & Blunts) damage control::]

This K-Ci explanatory rant, however, be some NP All-Star shit.

Holy fuck!

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Young Jeezy is Barack Obama's New Apprentice?

We interrupt your regularly scheduled coke rap for this special bulletin.

“I got a new mentor. Barack Obama’s my mentor. Y’all believe that, man. For the first time we ready for change, homie. We gon’ back it. Any you people out there listening, it’s a hands-off policy on Barack Obama, man. Y’all touch him, we touchin’ everything. That’s my word to God. That’s on the hood. Every hood. I’m telling you right now. Y’all touch him, you know what it is… And for the first time in life period–I don’t know if you know about black men, but black men are sincere. They mean what they say. Especially when they have power. And he has power, man. He means what he—I think this the change. This the change we need. Everybody. The whole world. We need somebody that’s just for us. And that’s our country, man. Barack Obama, hats off to you, homie. I’m not on no nothing else. Congratulations. Win, lose or draw, we with you, boy.” –Young Jeezy, Trill TV interview

Completely sandwiched by the usual cocaine propaganda, Young Jeezy gives us a Black History/Vote or Drought moment. Let’s see what Merriam-Webster has to say about such foolhardy Negrospeak.

XXLMag.com | Negro Please Presents: The Unofficial Official SDN Tournament Nomination Ceremony

A couple weeks ago, what started out as one of many water cooler Hennessy bottle conversations between myself and Carl “Jackpot/HD/Behind The Grind/Still Locked Up” Chery manifested itself into a controverisal entry.

The topic was “Smart Dumb Niggas” in the world of hip-hop.

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Knuck If You [Young] Buck

“As far as [Tony] Yayo talking about he wanna fight, I’ll do it… I’ll do it off of real nigga shit I swear on my child’s life. If they line this shit up, where me and that nigga can go in a ring, we can put that shit on VH1. We can make that shit real life. I’ll have Floyd Mayweather training me. I’ll knock that nigga’s fat, flabby, old non-rappin’ ass out.” –Young Buck, UDub News

The Young Buck quote above is clearly not a serious challenge to fight anyone. It’s a full-on reality show pitch.

Buck has seen a couple episodes of that I Love Money and is starting to get ideas. He already sees himself as the next Flavor Flav. Yep, Buck’s got it all figured out. When he says we can make this shit “real life,” I’m pretty sure he means “Celebreality.”

Win or lose, after VH1 Celbreality Bumfight: G-Unit Reject Edition Buck will sign a deal to keep the franchise going. By September, when dude could have nothing to look forward to besides licking both his Yayo and lackluster sales-inflicted wounds, he’ll be set to star in Buck of Love… or Love for a Buck or some shit like that. At the end, he’ll pick Buckeey, and they’ll have another sex tape Buck-themed series.

(Continue reading "XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Knuck If You [Young Buck]")

Flavor of Love 3: "Bigger, Blacker & Skankier"

Do you all realize how much time we've spent on the Flavor Flav reality franchise? Not even including his season of "The Surreal Life" and "Strange Love," we've seen a 2 "Flavor of Love" installments, 2 seasons of "I Love New York" and a "Charm School" for the castaways.

I'm really all Flavored-out. That's a lifetime's worth of coonery crammed into a few short years.

I don't know why I didn't think stooch harvest could get any skankier than the Season 2 crop. Following recent market trends in reality ho television, I should have assumed the greasiest of project lobby boppers would find their way to the VH1 casting couch.

I'm sorry for keeping you guys waiting so long to dig into them. Let's get into it.

In honor of Black History Month (and Blent in my case) Flavor decides to "empower" the contestants by allowing them to choose their own nicknames this season. Much like the 40 acres and mule we've never seen, this chewed-up California Raisin far from keeps his promise.

Only the light-skinned ones that work in the house get to keep their names. Speaking of slaves, it's nice to see that John Thompson-lookin molestin-ass Big Rick back.

Ah, we laugh for a second, and then it hurts.

I refuse to learn and [im]properly spell most of these names (i.e.: "Myammeeee"), so this season you're gonna have to just ride with me. I might just describe them by physical attributes or what I think they should be referred to as.

Why is Flavor frontin like the big white woman ain’t the black man’s fantasy? I'm not saying it's mine, but every time I go to the mall I see Jamal walking down the strip holding hands with a girl just like Peechee but not even as cute. Jamal's smiling his ass off too like he just came up on a lifetime's supply of pork rinds.

Maybe he did.

I can tell the twins apart. One of them looks like she got hit in the mouth with a hot tire iron. Sadly, that's the one with the tighter body. Historically Flavor has shown that he doesn't discriminate on the othrodontically challenged. His doing so would be the pot calling the kettle "nigger" anyway. I don't know if I could rock with being referred to as a "Thing," but hey... you're already a Flavor of Love contestant. You might as well roll with whatever Nickelodeon slime they toss down on your head.

Hotlanta is actually one of the cutest girls on the program. She's been through some shit, obviously, but she cleans up pretty nice. She's got 3 kids at home she's neglecting for this and she's one of my early horses. I'm gonna count Mylanta AKA "My Mama Was On Flavor of Love" as a top 5 player.

My homie Diablo straight up called this next one. When Tik hit the screen wearing all them damn Swatches my nigga said: "Bitch lookin like Roz from 'Night Court.'" That's why I fucks with this nigga. He's the only nigga I know besides CBW who could beat me to a Marsha Warfield reference.

I know Tik had to eat a lot of fucking Honey Nut Cheerios and send in a LOT of UPCs for all 30 of them watches she got hanging on for dear life by the last latch.

Speaking of early references, before we got to parlay it ourselves, the producers and editors made sure to give us the "Shy" and New York comparison. First of all, Shy is a horseyface. You might rub up on her in a dark nightclub when you're ripped off of Incredible Hulk, but not in broad daylight and shit.

I bet she really is "a fresh of breath air" like she says, though. She just looks like she got that chronic Newport breath.

On the alone time tip, Rayna really tried to bullshit Flavor. He may have had himself a few coketails, but damn... I'm sure he remembers why he wears that effin clock. Bitch pulled a Damon Wayans in prison on "In Living Color." I went to school with a girl just like that. I could imagine before English class, she'd be in the bathroom just chanting to herself in the mirror.

"Belieeeeeeeve the bullshit. Belieeeeeeve the bullshit."

Couch time got a little cozy with the Oompa Loompas. I'll tell you what, Peechee had her big girl game ON. I gotta give her respect for having the courage to spit it like Flavor was any other dude she was diggin.

What's up with Seesinz's voice? I bet you this girl is an R&B singer. If not, she just got herself a wicked portfolio piece for voiceover work.

Shy, whose voice works over my nerves, needs to quickly learn that snitchin is a successful strategy on I Love New York… not Flavor of Love.

Why did all of these hoes have a damn rap for Flavor?

Grayvee’s weave is terrible and she looks like a dude I know. I hear her rappin about the titties. Foofy need to listen out for verse two where she talk about the dick. She also might have some ulterior motive for being on the show. I think she's working or KFC or some kind of chicken sponsor.

Nigga fuck around and come back with that bird flu.

I didn't wanna be too hard on Ice for stumbling on words. He's not exactly working with MENSA members here. Vanilla Ice might just be a “I don’t know” type of person. You know. Like how niggas start off every sentence with “nome sane?” I don't expect much more from a Detroit radio personality.

Elimination Notes:

I guess the damn twins do count as one contestant. I was wondering about that. The funny thing is, he chose the one with the fucked up teeth first! Nigga is gonna have to start doing gum checks like back on the auction block. This is a crazy precedent, letting Skeezle Dee and Skeezle Dum share a chain. I wonder how this continues to play out.

Yes, Peechee. You're going home. Yes, Peechee. Your purpose is to go make BBW porn. Don't worry. There's a black guy out there for you somewhere.

To the internet winners: Just because you had your whole housing project voting for you at the library doesn’t mean you deserve to be there.

The funny shit is that Flavor really believed the internet fans "loved" him. I guess he's too high on that shit to know that NO ONE LOVES HIM!!!!

There's usually a surprise cast-off on the first episodes of these things. There damn sure was not this time. Internet bitches, big bitches and underbite bitches all must go. Crazy ass Tik fulfilled Flavor's big girl quota.

I'm picking Bee-Ex as my early favorite. She makes the most sense early on. Though i'd test drive the Bunz on the way. Prancer looks like a lame-ass Holly Robinson and could pull the Hoopz on homie. He ain't too bright.

Looks like I'll be able to take a week off at some point this season as the hoes are gonna roast each other! I can't wait.

We'll get caught up with the "Playin' Doctor" episode ASAP.

Labels: big rick, california raisin, charm school, flavor of love, holly robinson-peete, i love new york, john thompson, marsha warfield, nickelodeon, night court, strange love, the surreal life, vh1