Ron Mexico City

TheProudFranchise.com | Eddy Curry: Sextortion Therapy

By now you're all aware of Eddy "Mr. Fuck You Man" Curry's legal issues. I don't have to direct you to any local sports page report on the sexual harassment suit levied upon him by former chauffer, David Kuchinsky.

I also don't have to tell you that his thieving-ass, parolee driver is full of shit, right? I mean, this ain't exactly one of them dead-on Knickerbocker sex suits like Isiah's shit.

The Proud Franchise: Farewell, Taz!

Remember how hard Renaldo Balkman got shit on that fateful June evening in 2006?

Il Gallo don't know nann 'bout that thurr.

(Continue reading "The Proud Franchise: 'Farewell, Taz!'")

Remember how hard Renaldo Balkman got shit on that fateful June evening in 2006?

Il Gallo don't know nann 'bout that thurr.

(Continue reading "The Proud Franchise: 'Farewell, Taz!'")

The Proud Franchise: Clipse Deal for Camby, Leave Knicks Holding Z-Balls

Maybe New York Knicks GM Donnie Walsh should have just taken that second rounder for Zach Randolph.

Marcus Camby just got moved from the Denver Nuggets to the Knicks' only potential sucker Los Angeles Clippers for a switch of late-round draft picks that may ne'er need be switched. Stinging even more is that the deal takes effect in 2010, a year in which the Knicks have no draft selections of any kind.

The Proud Franchise: Chandler, Cockface Shine in Vegas Summer League Opener

By Ronaldo Horacio Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer

LAS VEGAS - First round selection Danilo "Il Gallo" Gallinari sidestepped a Darko-like first quarter to post an impressive debut as the New York Knicks defeated the Cleveland Cavaliers and extended their Vegas Summer League-leading win streak to 6 games.

Last season's Vegas Summer League MVP, Nate Robinson, was not in attendance due to nagging baby mama issues.

[Editor's Note: Vegas Summer League win-streak and championship defense are the only positive news stories surrounding Knick Universe at the moment.]

Il Gallo (or, "Cockface") bounced back form a first-half laden with defensive miscues, flat shooting, shitty handle and some good, old-fashioned rump-wrangling from Cavaliers' second round selection J.J. Hickson and former Michigan standout Robert "Tractor" Traylor.

"I just treated it like we was in the pen, you know. Ain't no rules in there,"  defied Traylor. "If I saw a nigga like [Gallinari] in the top bunk when I walked into the cell, I'd definitely make him move, you know?"

(Continue reading "The Proud Franchise: Chandler, Cockface Shine in Vegas Summer League Opener")
 

The Proud Franchise: Welcome to the Party Life, Chris Duhon!

When you're [orange and] blue... ain't got nothin to do...

Headed to the party life.

Let that Jigga run as you read along. It's today's theme music.

What Chris Duhon's going to provide at the lead guard position that Starburst doesn't is beyond me. In Duhon the Knicks get a guard hard-pressed to put up Larry Hughes-ish field goal percentages.

As Knick floor leadership transitions from The Great Escapegoat to a nigga who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with anything but his penis, there is one category in which Duhon won't leave any slack.

Say hello to Duhon's interns, Sara, Becky and Dana. The former Duke standout led the NBA in intern-to-turnover ratio each of his 4 seasons in the league. He should only continue to do so in true Knick tradition, especially if he ever finds his way upstairs to Isiah's broom closet office.

(Continue reading "The Proud Franchise: Welcome to the Party Life, Chris Duhon!")

Headed to the party life.

Let that Jigga run as you read along. It's today's theme music.

What Chris Duhon's going to provide at the lead guard position that Starburst doesn't is beyond me. In Duhon the Knicks get a guard hard-pressed to put up Larry Hughes-ish field goal percentages.

As Knick floor leadership transitions from The Great Escapegoat to a nigga who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with anything but his penis, there is one category in which Duhon won't leave any slack.

Say hello to Duhon's interns, Sara, Becky and Dana. The former Duke standout led the NBA in intern-to-turnover ratio each of his 4 seasons in the league. He should only continue to do so in true Knick tradition, especially if he ever finds his way upstairs to Isiah's broom closet office.

(Continue reading "The Proud Franchise: Welcome to the Party Life, Chris Duhon!")

The Proud Franchise: Welcome Home, Rooster!

"With the sixth pick in the 2008 NBA Draft the New York Knicks select... Danilo 'The Rooster' Gallinari."

*chorus of boos*

Can't you see David Stern's devilish smile as he announces that international-sounding name? Can't you feel the diversity? Can't you taste the globalization?

Sheeeeeeit!

I can't believe Reebok had that hideous Knick-flavored cock sneaker ready on draft day. I sure as hell hope they had one of those ready in every theme from Chicago to New Jersey.

Seriously. It's cock-tastic.

(Continue reading "The Proud Franchise | 'Welcome Home, Rooster!'")

The Proud Franchise: 2008 NBA Draft Live Blog

7:35PM - David Stern is clearly trying to incite a riot.

7:38 - "And with the first pick in the 2008 NBA Draft the Chicago Bulls..." do exactly what everyone expected. Welcome home, Derrick [Rose]!

7:41 - Rose says he has to come in and lead. Slow down, rook. You might not start. Let the team clear some space before you usher yourself in, my nigga.

7:44 - Michael Beasley better have gone second.

7:45 - Beasley's mom looks pretty young. I think I saw her on this past season of "Flavor of Love." She didn't make it out of that first night. She and homegirl with the underbite shared a cab home.

7:48 - O.J. Mayo's gonna loooooove Minnesota. Stern greeted Mayo with that "Heh. Don't fuck this up" look. Thanks, Kevin McHale for NOT fucking this up.

7:51 - Damn. Mayo sounds like a fucking muppet. What's up with his voice? Loving the glasses. Very sophisticated look. They say he's 19 years old. He looks about 31.

(Continue reading "The Proud Franchise: 2008 NBA Draft Live Blog")

The Proud Franchise | The Proud Prospectus - NBA Draft 2008: Knicks at Six

Like the rest of America's downtrodden, New York Knick fans cast their hopes into a transparent contraption full of marked ping-pong balls on the evening of May 20th.

As we all know, the balls were not kind to them.

With the most exciting lead-guard prospects likely to be long gone before Donnie Walsh gets his turn in the orgy, Gregg Popabitch and I are gonna shoot the shit about some names associated with the Knickerbockers and their *blech* sixth overall selection.

O.J. Mayo (G) - USC, Fr.

Ron Mexico: I just think people were afraid of him because his name is "O.J."

After that Simpson nigga destroyed the surname, I'd rather be known as "Ovinton J'Anthony." (wtf?) Definitely the best offensive talent available after Beasley and Rose are off the board. He might go second! A serious Kwanzaa miracle would have to occur for Mayo to be around at #6. We could call it Miracle on 125th Street. Underrated defensive player. Potential to be D'Antoni's perfect weapon.

Warning: He's not the "engine." (Pop has a Spanish engine plan for next lottery.) I also don't know where he got the money for that car on the SLAM cover.

Gregg Popabitch: Think a more polished and athletic Jam al Crawford. 

Even if Walsh is watching his weight, he still won’t “pass on the mayo”. Terrible puns aside, when it comes to pure basketball talent, he is in the same tier as Rose and Beasley. He knows how to play with the pill like clubbers, shoot like the fiends, and drop dimes like runners. Considering his NCAA violations, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did any of those things. Despite all that, dude is an offensive talent and can scrap on defense too.  He should be gone by the third pick but there could be a miracle if some teams don’t like his baggage or he doesn’t fit a need. 

Popabitch’s Verdict: Want, need, and willing to trade up for. 

(Continue reading "The Proud Franchise | The Proud Prospectus - NBA Draft 2008: Knicks at Six")

XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Shaq Just Kidding, Doesn't Care to Know Ass Flavor?

“You know how I be.
Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.
You know how I be.
Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.

I call myself ‘Big,’ but I’m not as good as Biggie.
I call myself ‘Big’ ’cause I live next to Diddy.
Excuse me. Diddy lives next to me.
So in the hood, dog, I feel like Big.
‘Cause if Biggie was still here
He would be right there.
On Star Island in a mansion somewhere
Chillin. Sittin on about half a billion.
Cuz me and Gunz combine shit. That’s half a billion.
For real dog, Now that’s BIG.
And can’t nobody in the world do it bigger than me.
That’s like a white boy trynna be more nigga than me.
That’s like a homeless man havin more figures than me.
That’s like Patrick Ewing havin more rings than me.
That’s like rappers havin cars… things than me.
That’s like you sayin to yourself you better than me.
That’s like Kareem sayin to hisself he better than me.
Now stop. Think about that.
It ain’t about that.
It’s about BIG AKA Big Shaq.
Now, that’s the difference between first and last place.
Kobe. Nigga. Tell me how my ass taste.

Okay.
Kobe, tell me how my ass taste.
Okay. Everybody.
Kobe, tell me how my ass taste.

I’m a horse.
Kobe ratted me out.
That’s why I’m getting divorced.
He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil.
I don’t do that. ‘Cause my name's ‘Shaquille.’
I love ‘em. But I don’t leave ‘em.
I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ‘em.

Kobe, how my ass taste?
Everybody. Kobe, how my ass taste?
Yeah!

You couldn’t do without me.
Kobe, you couldn’t do without me.
Kobe, you can’t do without me.
Everybody. Kobe how my ass taste?

Yeah. You can’t do without me.
Yeah. You can’t do without me.
Yeah. You can’t do without me.
Everybody! Kobe…

Crowd: Tell me how my ass taste!!!

Yeah. Thank you. Brick City in the building.”

-Shaquille O’Neal, Freestyle @ Village Underground

I thought a transcript might prove helpful for anyone (like myself) who may have undergone a little shell-shock watching Sunday night’s installment of the newest Negro Channel reality program, Shaq Fu: Can’t Stay Away.

BET cameras lazily follow Shaq around malls, strip malls, strip clubs, club clubs and pep rallies… all while he should be preparing for the upcoming season.

Obviously Black Announcer: This week, The Diesel pops some shit at Kobe.

Couldn’t you see it now? It’d be just like Keyshia Cole’s shit. Wayyyy better than College Hill.

(Continue reading "XXLMag.com | Negro Please: Shaq Just Kidding, Doesn't Really Care to Know Ass Flavor?")

The Proud Franchise: I'm With You, K.G.

Man, I really thought Kevin Garnett and Michele Tafoya were gonna grind to a full-on makeout session there. Needless to say, I'm disappointed. These two have been flirting and exuding the jungle love radiation all season long now. I thought I was trippin before but now, I'm not so sure.

(Continue reading "The Proud Franchise: I'm With You, K.G.")

Roy Jones, jr. Visits Knicks Practice

 

I don't know what the fuck he talkin about. That nigga don't defend either.

New York Knicks Acquire Britney Spears' Children

By Ronaldo H. Mexico, Dissociated Press Writer

NEW YORK - The New York Knicks have adressed their frontcourt concerns by acquiring Sean Preston, Jayden James and cash considerations from the Los Angeles Gigolos for Britney Spears, the remainder of her dignity and the maximum contracts of Penny Hardaway and Shandon Anderson.

Real Sports with Ron Mexico: Damn, Steph! I Thought You Loved Your Family.

Nope, I'm not talking about his wife. I don't even feel sorry for her. She knew the strange, strange man she married. She's lucky none of his weird sex props were involved in the details. Instead, we brace for a tidbit that the New York Post would headline "Marbury Cockblocks Cousin." Yep. They're that clever.